Jokes for the week of 08/19/2016

  • The Obama Administration announced they will grant more universities the power to study marijuana in an attempt to determine whether it’s medical claims are truly valid. Experts predict the most common result will be an increase in the phrase “But Mom I have to, I’m in a clinical trial”.
  • According to NASA July was the hottest month EVER recorded with the Weather Channel reporting the warmest area was over Russia. Experts say Russia coming out on top was likely due to fires, an outbreak of anthrax in the region, and the Russian atmosphere using performance enhancing drugs. Even their atmosphere will do anything to be number one.
  • According to a Penn State Astronomer, a far-away star exhibiting strange light fluctuations could indicate an “alien megastructure” in the process of being built. Their theory was proven when alien listings began appearing on Airbnb.
  • A Connecticut Supreme court sided with a state worker who was fired after he was caught smoking marijuana on the job saying he was punished too harshly and should get his job back. The Lower court may have been tough, but he found unanimous sympathy in a High Court. Yep, it’s a pot joke.
  • It’s amazing how many medals the Mens Swimming team won in Rio. Ryan Lochte even got the gold in Olympic backpedaling.
  • Donald Trump’s campaign released a smartphone app called America First produced by the same company that has apps for the NRA and Catholic Vote.org. He plans to integrate the apps so he can encourage supporters to exercise their 2nd amendment rights and have one click absolution.
  • A woman went into pre-term labor on her international flight and delivered the baby with the assistance of the cabin crew and two registered nurse passengers. The carrier awarded the baby, named Haven, one million airline reward points. “What about me!” exclaimed the passenger sitting next to the new mother.
  • The carrier Cebu Pacific Air said it was the first time a baby has been delivered on one of its aircraft. “But not the first time one has been conceived” high fived the guys you hope you never meet.
  • A federal judge ruled Friday that Hillary Clinton must answer written questions from a conservative legal group about her use of a private email server as secretary of State, which will be the first government report submitted in disappearing ink.
  • Michael Hensen of Dayton Ohio was arrested for attempting to have sex with the front grill of a parked van. He said it has ruined his life, now his Chevy Malibu won’t talk to him.
  • A California woman has been sentenced to more than four years in federal prison for illegally exporting U.S. military gear to China including jet fighter engines and a drone aircraft. Her charges could include conspiracy, exporting arms, and hogging the overhead bins.

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