Jokes for the Week of 05/08/15

  • Joe’s Jeans, a Los Angeles-based apparel company, has developed a new denim line it calls #Hello jeans, which will let you charge your phone on the go with a portable battery pack embedded in the jeans. “Sure, I’m powering a phone” said women everywhere.
  • Russia has filed claim with the United Nations saying they own 463,000 square miles of the Arctic Ocean, including the North Pole. Putin is so confident he even wrote new lyrics for “Rudolph the Red Army Reindeer”.
  • Hillary May Face More Probes By GOP Senate Chairmen concerning her tenure at the State Department. GOP chairmen are complaining they prefer to probe their interns.
  • Rudy Giuliani stated on MSNBC’s Hard Ball that Trump Has a ‘Little Bit of Ronald Reagan’ In Him. Democrats replied “So what, Hillary often has a little bit of Bill Clinton in her”.
  • Germans Working on ‘Thermal Signature’ for Face Recognition to allow identification of people in poor lighting or darkness. Oddly enough the research was sparked after one tragic beer goggles incident.
  • The Coast Guard seized 16,000 pounds of cocaine from a homemade semi submarine coming from Columbia. It was powered by just one guy pedaling on a treadmill.  It’s a cocaine joke.
  • F1 driver Jenson Button and wife were robbed after thieves pumped anesthetic gas through their French vacation home to knock the couple out.  “What type of gas was it again” asked Bill Cosby.
  • Jon Stewarts season final show Thursday night boasted the second best overall viewership in its with an audience of 1.8 million among adults 18-49. It would have been the most viewed show that night but people reportedly couldn’t resist watching the hilarious new comedy on Fox news.
  • Starbucks chairman and Chief Executive Officer Howard Schultz says he won’t be making a run for U.S. president. With more than 21,000 stores in over 65 countries he’s sticking with his goal of world domination.
  • According to the Pew Research Center report since 2010 the percentage of millennials moving back in with their parents has increased from 24% to 26% even though the job market has improved. The lead researcher on the study announced “See Mom, everyone else is doing it so leave me alone”.
  • A new Rasmussen poll found that 40 percent of likely Democratic voters think Biden should become a candidate, and 38 percent of all likely voters think Biden would make a better president than Clinton, and 100% of democratic voters hope Trump wins the GOP primary.

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