Jokes for the week of 11.10.2015

  • Critics are claiming a the plain red cup Starbucks rolled out for the holiday season symbolizes a war on Christmas, which explains why elves don’t play beer pong.
  • Critics are claiming a the plain red cup Starbucks rolled out for the holiday season symbolizes a war on Christmas, saying they will defend the spirit of Christmas by buying their $5 cup of coffee elsewhere. “REALLY” said every charitable organization everywhere.
  • In Florida, Pinellas County deputy Michael Szeliga was too drunk to pick up an award he was to be given from MADD, he was even more bummed out when he saw he missed out on getting two awards… oh sorry that was his double vision.
  • Donald Trump Says He Rejected ‘SNL’ Skits That Were ‘Too Risqué’, apparently he’s saving his most ridiculous material for his campaign.
  • Kim Kardashian claimed her 2 year old Toddler Posted a bikini photo on her on Instagram. Fans believed her until she went on to blame her daughter for doing an amateur job with Photoshop.
  • At Least 100 Colorado High School Students Caught in Sexting Scandal, but now their all blaming it on their two year old siblings. It’s called the Kardashian defense.
  • A woman who calls herself a witch priestess is taking a self-proclaimed warlock to court over accusations of harassment on social media. It’s official, even witches consider Facebook the new dark magic
  • Scientists have discovered what appear to be ice-spewing volcanoes on the surface of Pluto. NASA Scientists say they are baffled, while I believe Pluto is spitting at us for demoting it to a dwarf planet.
  • Sony will stop producing Betamax video cassette tapes in March 2016. “Oh No” said no one, anywhere, since 1985.
  • Critics are concerned Matel’s new Hello Barbie, an Internet connected doll talks to your child, creates privacy concerns. Programmers countered saying that Barbie listens only to a “very small amount” of what is said. “That’s what I’ve complained about for decades” said Ken dolls everywhere.
  • Lionsgate is planning to develop a Hunger games amusement park based upon the movie about competitions that involve teens and pre-teens pulled forcibly from their homes to kill each other. The signature boat ride will feature the children’s song “It’s a Dark World After All”.
  • For the first time in four years, NASA is looking for more astronauts saying job openings would be posted on Dec. 14. Or the day Star Wars fans begin waiting in line for the December 17th premiere.
  • A woman in Houston was arrested on prostitution charges after handing out business cards advertising her services. Police might not have noticed except she was giving out free samples.
  • Scientists Are shocked that the oldest tree in the UK, which has been male for centuries, is now doing something only a female can do: sprout berries. Surprising, I thought it was the male trees that had twigs and berries.
  • As part of Dove Hair’s Love Your Curls campaign, the beauty brand is launching a curly hair emoji and GIF keyboard to help women embrace their curls. However, if your iphone gets to hot the emojis do lose their curls.

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